just another post

you look darkly on the day
memories to light your way
they're all sad but that's alright
we are living in twilight.
no one knocks upon your door
till you don't care anymore
a little alone but it's alright
we are always living in twilight.
living in a dream,walkin in between
sunset and sunrise
sunrise and sunset.
you get tied up in your day
so I let go and walk away
so it goes till no one knows
you like they used to do.
have a drink, the sky is sinkin
torn up deeper blue
and you're still alright
step out in the twilight.
so I stumble home at night
like I stumbled through my life
with ghosts and visions in my sight
we are always living in twilight.
-the weepies

When I heard this song and got past the "twilight zone" image in my mind, I realized this song, at least to me, is about those odd and hazy gaps in life-those gaps where you feel like you are stumbling through life clueless although not completely off path. I just saw Prince Caspian, so I can't get the image of Susan riding through the forest of dancing trees knowing she's going toward Aslan but realizing everyone else is back fighting the battle. In moments like these, strangely I'm satisfied by playing tennis for a couple of hours, because at least I have a goal and a clear opponent. The funny thing is, I, and most people I know, hate real conflicts and listen too much to fear when they sneak into daily life.

When Susan realizes that she didn't believe they would see Aslan again, she says, "I really believed it was him tonight, when you (Lucy) woke us up. I mean, deep down inside. Or I could have, if I let myself. But, I just wanted to get out of the woods--and --and oh, I don't know. And what ever am I to say to him?"
Aslan says her name, to which she does not respond. "You have listened to your fears, child," he said. "Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

If we could only know that in the middle of the twilight, He is there. Sometimes, I think, waiting for us to just let ourselves believe He is. Then we will fight the battle with Him.

It's Friday

Microsoft Office 2007 Word is old hat now. Who would have thought that it would be so easy to use now, only one year after I told the salesperson at Best Buy I wanted to throw it out the window because Vista was driving me crazy. It has been one full year since I started grad school, and I’m about to finish my second year teaching. And today, I felt younger than I have before I even started all of that.
Today I greeted a high school tennis team who showed up to play mine. I coach junior high. Enough said. Intersquad was my only option to supply some competition, which came to a quick halt as the rain clouds rushed in. The parents wanted to gloss over their frustration by getting to the end of the season party before five. I was just glad I made it through an hour of smoothing things over without crying…too much.
So when do you ignore the thoughts of, “So when am I finally gonna get fired” when you feel more like a child who couldn’t organize their sock drawer if they tried? I did feel adult-like on the way home when I considered using the $180 gift card to purchase a GPS instead of some Banana Republic items. After all, I could reclaim my reputation as a decent coach if next year I actually got our team to all the matches without getting lost.
I find it’s better to laugh at these things than any other options. It’s like the day that you try really hard to do something right, like exercising after work, and suddenly you hear sudden sirens and get stuck in a hail storm a mile from your car (personal experience, last week).
“What do these situations say about us personally?” we sometimes ask. I decided today that none of it really is personal. The fact is, we do not control our lives, and we get older and maybe even less smarter every year. But somehow, by the grace of God, we still learn things somewhere in between the hail and accusations of monster mommies that makes us a little stronger…and a lot more that I’m hoping will surface later.

Marley Catherine Doss

Here's a picture of the very real, my new niece, Marley.
Derek, my brother, loves his new daughter Marley. There are many stories he should not tell her, but there is much love he has to give her.

15 Years Later

What do you do when your best friend from 15 years tells you over a glass of wine at 5:00 on a Saturday...during a conversation about, "What do I need to hear to put me in my place?" ....

Especially when I thought I already was in my place...

Says, Margo to Emily: I think you know how to do things, how to get the job done, how to get what you want. The knowledge is there, but it's getting you to actually do it that's the problem. You are afraid of failure while doing whatever that thing is, of falling flat on your face after you try and really risk something.

But you know what I think? She's impulsive and thinks she's right all the time. Just kidding, she knows me better than anyone else.

Wow, that was a vulnerable post. Thank God for best friends, especially the ones that are good at interrupting people and just thinking they're cute.

The Letter

Dad makes Valentine's Day worth it
despite the drowning flood of choking chocolate hearts.
Dad reminds, subtly, of passions behind the heart that beats to one rhythm
alone.
Dad remembers his daughter is a teacher,
and that she wants to be everything he was
to her,
to others,because he taught her all her life.
She wants to remember the people,
it's the people that matter,
it's the people she wants to look at,
not herself.
Still, he reminds her of who he's helped shaped her to be,
and she feels like herself again,
today, even if for a minute, even if she forgets,
he'll remind her again in his own way.

Sunday Nap

Sunlight dancing on old carpet.
3:00 Sunday. Still sick and aching with leftover flu.
Ready for leftover muscle pain from a run.
The left knee laughs as it aches too.


New music tries in vain to bring sleep.
On my side. On my back. No help.
My stomach cramps up for no apparent reason,
as if it could ask, demanding an answer, what is going on
outside the world of this sunny apartment with a sick girl inside?
That question, falling and rising again, just before dreaming, stirring a million others.

It is quiet,
yesterday’s tasks tucked away,
resting in corners of her mind.
The papers sent. She writes remembering she’s in school again.
Strange how the comfort of learning wraps her heart warm.
Always showing a new tilt the world has.
Sometimes she could sit in a hard plastic seat for the rest of her life
(sometimes she thinks)
just to learn.
Of course she would have no friends.

A teacher curled in a quilt wants to be sixteen
or at camp. In bed sick trying to remember
what’s its like to be a little girl playing outside.
That path in her mind--wooded, sunny, warm with wind and so many green leaves.
So she writes looking for the way there,
or at least looking for the voice to bring it back.

For Now and Next December

Here's some of those lyrics that really just say what you can't about the reality of human stuff we all go through. After I heard this song I though, "Whoa, that's true." I like how the song hits home how sometimes there are just no answers but that change always comes, even though we know we're all messed up. Lastly, we have to be loved by Somebody because of that fact before we can love other people and not suck the life out of them...


"Savior"

Love's not a savior when your messed up,
when you're messed up forever.
You feel like you're drowning in red hearts
wrapped in red ribbons and blue skies.

Then somebody pulls the plug
and it all goes down the drain
but don't we all change?

There's no good answers to your questions
I had a feeling and now it's gone
It seems like your waiting on some verdict,
but it's a mis-trial
please go home.

Rain won't dull your hurt,
but change is today,
like a barrell of a field
filling up with rain-
not a photograph,
you're only afraid
and don't we all change?
don't we all change?

love's not a savior when your messed up,
when you're messed up.

~The Everybodyfields


Though I'm not nearly as brave and upfront as this band, or Steve Brown, I've been hooked on reading his letters over these past long and wonderful Christmas vacation days. One left to go, I settled down with his letter for Christmas and all the ways we look at Jesus, especially when we forget He's there. This song reminded me to look for Him, too.

Enjoy.